Thoughts, Behaviors, Feelings Cycle

Our thoughts, behaviors and feelings are all interconnected. If I have the thought, "What is the point, it won't make a difference. I am going to blow this presentation no matter how hard I prepare," then most likely I am not going to practice or prepare. I might even lay around all day in bed, avoid my friends when they call, eat a lot of comfort food or not eat at all. I might continue to tell myself critical things like "I'm a loser" and "I fail at everything else in my life." These thoughts and behaviors are going to lead to the emotions of sadness and shame. The more sadness and shame I experience, the more I am going to avoid life. This is a very painful cycle that is unfortunately quite familiar to me at many points in my life.

The good news is, we have the opportunity to intervene at any point in this cycle. We can intervene at the thought level, the behavioral level and even the feelings level. Ideally, we will intervene on all three levels to have the greatest impact.

THOUGHTS:
To intervene on the thought level we have to recognize that most likely, we are having distorted thoughts. At the very least, let's be open to the possibility. A distorted thought is when our thinking is illogical, or biased or a thinking error. Albert Ellis, a pioneer in a type of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, coined the term "Stinking Thinking" to say that our thoughts can sometimes not serve us well.

There are many types of distorted thoughts. In fact, click here for a worksheet of 10 types of Distorted Thoughts.
Once we have identified our Distorted thought, the hard part is now coming up with a challenge to the distorted thought. We are trying to come up with a healthy thought that replaces the distorted thought. Here is an example: Let's say I have the thought: "My boss gave me a funny look during my presentation today. He didn't approve of my presentation. I'm going to get fired." This is an example of Catastrophizing. This is not an uncommon Distorted Thought for me to have. Thankfully, I have great friends and co-workers that I can call or text who can talk me off the ledge when I am catastrophizing and who won't judge me or laugh at me.

First my goal is to recognize that I am catastrophizing, rather than holding fast to my belief that I am going to get fired. I would say this is the hardest part. We have to be open to being wrong. Once we have done that, we then need to come up with the healthy thought. Think of what we might say to our friend, or our spouse or our child. I might say to myself kindly and lovingly, "Did he really give me a funny look or might I have just imagined that because I was so nervous? And even if he did, that certainly does not mean I am going to be fired over it. My presentation went fine and if he had a problem with it, he certainly would have notified me by now. In fact, now that I am calming down a little, I recall he said, 'nice job' when it was over."

Here is a worksheet to help you work through the process of observing your distorted thought, challenging your distorted thought and coming up with activities you can do to help bring down your level of distress. The more you practice challenging your distorted thoughts, the better you will get.

BEHAVIORS:
We can also intervene on the behavioral level. Have you ever noticed how staying in bed and watching tv all day at first is really relaxing and comforting and enjoyable, but at some point it crosses a line over into depressing? Sometimes it's really hard to tell, what is self-care and what is avoidance?

It is so important to give our body the rest and restoration that it needs, and it is also important to remember that depression and anxiety have a tendency to zap our energy and make us want to avoid doing things that actually might help to improve our mood. So how can you tell if you need to rest or need to move?

One question to ask yourself is how much sleep am I getting? Sleep is crucial for our wellbeing. Think of it as the foundation of our house or the roots of our tree. Without it, the house falls down or the tree will die. Sleep is essential for our survival. We need a healthy balance of our sleep, not too much and not too little. Ideally, we get between 7-9 hours per night of uninterrupted sleep. If you are getting less than this, then you might need to add more rest. If you are getting more than this, then you probably need to add in more activity. The great thing is, research shows that physical activity can be as beneficial as antidepressants in some people! the goal is to start small. Even if you move your body for just 5 minutes a day, that's a great start. Build up slowly over time. It's not a competition. Try to find something you enjoy. I recently found a VR game called Supernatural and I love it! It lets you box and meditate. If you like video games, check it out!

Another question to ask is how are my social connections? Social needs are going to vary from person to person. Extroverts have high needs for social connection and Introverts less so. But we all need connection. If you have not been feeling well mentally, then there is a good chance you have been isolating or avoiding others. You may need to push yourself a little to reach out and connect. Start small: Call or text one friend who you know understands that this is hard for you. Consider going to a movie where you won't have to talk much if that seems like it would be hard for you. Or go to a quiet place if a noisy environment would be overstimulating. Invite them to come to your own home if that would make you feel most comfortable.

FEELINGS:
The last level to intervene on is the feeling level. You might be thinking, "How can I possibly directly change my feelings? If I could I certainly would!" But you really can.

First, let's talk about the skill of visualization. Interestingly, your brain cannot tell the difference between whether or not you are doing something or thinking about doing something. That is why it is so important to visualize yourself engaging in a new activity that you want to learn. Your brain thinks that you are actually doing it.

If you want to have a full, joyful, peaceful life, imagine it. Your brain will believe that this is the life you are living. Imagine every detail of it. What does that look like to you? Try to engage as many of your senses as possible. Who are all the people in this beautiful, joyful life with you? Picture yourself from a first-person perspective, meaning through your own eyes, not looking down on yourself from above. Look around your joy-filled life and see all the people and things and circumstances that are bringing you peace and joy. Breathe in the scents. Listen to the sounds. Notice the feelings in your body. Fully embrace all of the aspects of this new life and let yourself soak in every detail. Try to practice this exercise as often as you can. Consider practicing this before you fall asleep at night or first thing when you wake up in the morning.

Another exercise is related to Gratitude. Research shows that people who are intentional about focusing on gratitude are more positive and have fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety. It is particularly challenging to focus on gratitude when we are depressed or anxious because our distorted thoughts (particularly mental filtering) lead us to focus exclusively on everything that is wrong in our lives. Gratitude forces us to shift our focus onto all that is going right.

There are several ways that we can practice Gratitude. You can start a Gratitude Journal. Every night you can write down all the things that happened that day that you feel grateful for. You can also just do it mentally as you are falling asleep. Or, instead of making a list of everything, you can try to think of the one thing you were most grateful for that happened that day. One thing I have noticed that can happen is that we tend to get a little "lazy" with our gratitudes and just repeat each night the same things like "my kids, my spouse, my job" rather than really reflecting on it. If you do start to practice gratitude, I would encourage you to just make it useful. Try to dig deep. Try to feel the feeling of gratitude inside, not just the words. .