HOW TO COPE WHEN LIFE DOES NOT GO AS YOU HAD HOPED

How could this happen? How was I not prepared for this? How am I going to make it through?

These are questions that we have all asked ourselves at one time or another. At times we are confronted with a painful situation that we were not expecting or anticipating. Maybe someone in your life recently passed or was diagnosed with a terminal condition. Maybe out of the blue we are let go from our job. Maybe your partner tells you they want a divorce.

These are all terrifying situations that are likely to instill fear, dread, shame and a whole host of other complicated emotions. At first, you may be in such a shock that you might even feel numb. Eventually that feeling of numbness is likely to be replaced with anger, panic, confusion and desperation. These emotions can vary in intensity and come and go in waves. Although we have all heard of the stages of grief, it's not a clear pathway where we can predict what emotion we are going to feel next. The pathway of grief is more like a maze.

It's makes me think of this game I used to play with my brother when we were young. It was a wooden box that had a maze on the top and the goal was to get a silver marble through to the end of the maze by tilting the box left and right, up and down. It also had little holes scattered throughout the maze that the marble would fall into if you weren't careful. If the marble fell in the hole, you had to start over.

Grief is like that puzzle. It spirals in circles and goes down pathways that never seem to end. Your whole world is tilting sideways and sometimes, out of nowhere, you just fall into a dark hole. Somehow each time you find a way to pick yourself up out of that hole and start over. Over time, with lots of dead ends and dark holes, you somehow make it to the end. What is the end? To me, the end of the grief maze is Radical Acceptance.

Radical Acceptance is when you are no longer fighting against your pain. You are acknowledging that pain is unavoidable and an inevitable part of life. Pain is a natural part of being human. In fact, pain actually helps us learn and grow. It teaches us useful survival information. Without pain, we would not be able to survive as a species. Learning how to accept pain is a skill that takes practice and commitment. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Suffering is when we take the normal, human experience of pain and refuse to accept it. We stomp our feet and exclaim, "It's not fair!" Suffering is when we tell ourselves that we shouldn't be feeling this pain, that we don't want to feel this pain or that we can't bear to feel the pain. Suffering is when we assume that the pain is going to last forever.

It is only by accepting the reality of our pain--as it is--that we can move through it and beyond it and grow from it. How does one do this? Consider the RAIN technique by Tara Brach https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/

R: Recognize: The first step is to recognize the pain you are experiencing. Notice the unique emotions you are feeling. Where do you feel them in your body? Are you able to put words to the feelings? Just notice with gentle awareness how you are feeling in this moment.

A: Allow: Next, see if you can allow yourself to feel the pain in its fullest form. Try not to push away, or fix, or "make lemons out of lemonade." Notice any tendency to try to minimize or distract or make yourself look on the bright side. Just allow yourself to feel your feelings like a wave, with a beginning, a peak and an end.

I: Investigate: See if you can be curious about your pain. Try not to jump to conclusions or catastrophes. Just inquire with non judgmental awareness and curiosity the nature and origin of the pain. Does this feeling feel familiar? What thoughts or images come up when I allow this pain to be present?

N: Nurture: With all that you are sitting with, make sure to practice self-compassion and kindness. Nurture your body and your mind compassionately. Talk to yourself the way you might talk to a child who you care for.

This exercise can be very difficult at first if you are not used to it. Go slowly. Practice only for brief periods of time. Enlist the support of a therapist if that would be helpful. Remind yourself that any pain you are experiencing will lessen in time as you continue to practice self-compassion and Radical Acceptance. Reach out to those who love you as pain is easiest when shared with others.